Today marks the day I have been home for one year. It represents my release from the infirmary and signifies my reentry back into back into my world, challenging but triumphant.  (As an aside, the word infirmary is awful, isn’t it? Shepherd was tough though and so, compared to how I feel now, that word fits.  And, while on the subject, I don’t like the words disabled or handicapped but rather, “barrier-free.” The cup is half full.).  Before I start, I would like to thank all of you for being here for me.  The spiritual, emotional, and financial energies that you have given have gotten me to where I am today.  Thank you will always be such a disgustingly huge understatement.

This week has been very tough and so I am not going to write everything I have on mind.  There are some stories to tell and so I will come back soon.

I will start with some warmth though….yesterday morning after Jani went to work, I got up and went to get the kids up and ready for school and daycare. I went in and just sat there for a few minutes, listening to them breathe and watching them sleep. It is so hard not be able to get to them to snuggle and smell them but I imagine myself doing it.  After I put them to sleep last night, I did the same thing before I went to bed. So incredibly peaceful. This is what I needed this week and what I extend to those I love.

When I say it has been a tough week, for me physically, the difficulty is only inconvenience and so that I will tell you about later.  Emotionally, things have been much harder.  I don’t want to go into detail about these things right now but I would truly appreciate if you would keep some people in your thoughts - my brother Khaled and his wife Mervie and their kids, and Ann Kleese and her family.  We all go through difficult times in life – the only differences  are what and when. When I think about what I have lost, the only way to keep sane is to look at what I have – my family and friends and all the amazing experiences I have had with them and because of them and the ones I am able to have now with them and because of them.  Life is as rich and fulfilling as you make it to be, as you FEEL it to be, and how you cope with the curve balls so that they don’t reduce your abilty to appreciate that richness.  The mind and heart take varying amounts of time to mend depending on the situation.  I may have mentioned this before: Priscilla gave me a very useful piece of advice in the card she sent me at Christmas last year – mourn my loss.  I was so busy at Shepherd I hadn’t thought about it but it came at a good time since I had been going through rehab for over a month and still had about a month to go.  Everyone has their own way of doing it and there is no recipe or right or wrong. Crying and pounding the walls of my roll in shower helped.  Keeping busy helps now – living the life I love with the family I love and doing the work I love.  When you experience loss though, there is only a certain amount or part of it that you can deal with in a particular period and then move on. There are varying degrees of loss and this complicates things.  This is compounded by the fact that we have memories and so reminders pop up when you least expect them, but sometimes there are constant, agonizing reminders.  Everyday I drive over the overpass where I was hit.  When I’m alone in my van, there are times when I scream at it. This is one of my outlets.  No one likes to see me cry but it makes me feel better.  Determination is key and for this I have the best reason and energy source - I am not going to allow this to take away from the wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend that I want to be. That I was before.  This physically limitation is hard enough but the mental and emotional ones I have some control over and so I do my best.  This mode simply does not allow me to keep up with what is in my heart.  This blog helps because it reaches all of you that I physically cannot.  I am unable to express how much that means to me.

As many of you might know, this coming Sunday is my 39th birthday. I have so much to be thankful for I could just burst.  Love will lighten the weight of the trials of this week. Thank you so much for keeping me and those I love in your hearts. I hope I can return the energy someday to be there for you when you need me.

I didn’t write about two Christmas parties I went to this year. These experiences were WONDERFUL and must be shared. This isn’t as much an oversight as something that I thought should be written about separately. Plus I didn’t have time last time and the last installment was already WAY too long!!

The first was at Dave and Teresa’s house. They were hosting a party for Dave’s colleagues at Keller Williams Realty.  I have never met these folks and yet, when they heard about the accident, they rallied for me and gave donations to Dave to pass on to us. And not just once. There were many occassions that Dave would bring an envelope by the house even after I got home.  Anyway, we packed everyone up in the van and drove up the street to their home. They were having part of the festivities in the garage (awards ceremony) and so I rolled in there for a bit. I got to meet and personally thank them for their thoughts and help. It really meant a lot to me. It was quite overwhelming actually. I talked to a few people, gave some hugs, and thanked everyone but when I started to speak I choked. I could only muster a thanks. I hope they all know how much I truly appreciate their warmth and help despite my lack of ability to accurately convey it!!!

The other Christmas party I went to was the annual party that Drs. Lust have at their home for the Physiology department. Jess and Laura came to the house to make sure I could get the kids together and to help me unload and look after them once there. Well, when we arrived, Laura’s husband Gene took the ramp out of the back but it wouldn’t reach up the steps. So Bob and Rob and a few others had me lock up my wheels and pulled a Cleopatra dais manuever on me! Strange to entrust myself to others to that degree (and worse coming down – I closed my eyes!!!) but it was well worth it!! The kids had a blast- Encsi managed to finagle chocolate/sweets from pretty much everyone, and there were plenty of other kids there for them to play with. I got to talk to people I don’t get to see very much and it was really a lovely evening. Thsi was the first time I have seen Carol Lust since I got home. It was very nice, although the words still don’t make it past the lump in my throat to thank her and Bob for what they did for me.  I am sorry that Jani had to miss it although things certainly would have been different if my Hungarian lift was there! I am fortunate to work with such good (and strong!) people who are clever and willing to help me out.

So I continue to have lots of thanks to give!!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

Things have been crazy since Thanksgiving…..

My health:  I actually spent Thanksgiving in the hospital. I had a minor outpatient procedure a few days before and things went awry and I ended up in an ambulance to the ER the night before. I got home Friday before noon and have since recouperated fairly well but not yet at 100%.  No sense of smell yet and no indication that my pituitary function is getting better. The diabetes insipidus (the reason I am taking the intranasal desmopressin) is something I will just have to live with.

My family: Kids are fabulous. Rowan just went back to school after being home for 2 weeks and when we were on our way, I asked if he was excited and he said yes. He took some chocolates for a few of his teachers (he asked to do that!). Encsi’s language skills are phenomenal. She puts lots of words together, understands everything (and only response favorably to what she likes!) and wields words that it seems a 2.5 year old shouldn’t even know! Such a remendous pleasure they are. More beautiful by the minute.

They enjoyed having family here for the holiday. We made everyone stay here with us – not the Hilton but we had fun! My parents came 19-26th and Khaled, Mervie, Kaden, Kyan, and Kellan came 23-28th. The kids had a blast playing outside togther. Uncle Jani built fires in the pit a few times so there were plenty of s’mores -Kyan made one for his mommy, myself, and nana (this was her first ever!).  I took everyone (except Auntie Mervie – I’ll get to that in a minute) for a ride in the sticks on my Recon (the 4-wheeler). The stories I heard from each kid were quite funny. Kyan (aka “rubbermade” because he is adventurous and indestructable) was the first to hop on with me. He saw a dead fish hanging from a tree and we decided it was there because someone was trying to lure a bear in to catch it. Kaden continued that story line by saying that someone on his moms side of the family has a deer head mounted on their wall and so he thought that was why they wanted to catch the bear.  Mom was disgusted because I don’t wear googles. Apparently Walker isn’t to thrilled about that either and I think he mentioned wearing a helmet. A helmet I get, but goggles?  It isn’t like I’m going on the road and cruising fast. Just leisurely meandering through the trees I love so much. I can still imagine how nice it smells.

Anyway, we had a wonderful time. Between Papa shopping everyday and Nana trying to keep up with the supply and demand by cooking, we ate like royalty. I couldn’t smell the apple strudel but it tasted pretty good! Our neighbors, the Adamses, have an incredible display of Christmas lights and blow up decorations on their lawn. So Christmas Eve, I loaded the kids and Auntie Mervie (for crowd control – she is little but she does teach high schoolers and so learn fast that you DO NOT want to see her mad) into the van and took them to see it. Khaled took nana and papa. Uncle Jani stayed behind to keep an eye on the stove. When we returned about 15 min later, Uncle Jani was sweeping the carport and moved ahead of me when I pulled in. Since it was dark, all the Christmas lights were so pretty and we could see the lights on the Christmas tree that was in the window of the dining area just ahead. Well, what we saw then was truly spectacular! Santa Claus was putting presents under the tree! So I pulled forward a bit and before you could say Ho-Ho-Ho, all 3 kids in the back had their belts undone and were plastered against the window of the van waving at Santa! He winked at us, quickly finished putting the gifts under the tree, and then before we could back up, park, and get my slow derriere into my chair and out of the van, he had slipped out the back and on to the next house. Wow! What a cool thing to have gotten a glimpse of! Our kids must have been REALLY good this year. And I think it probably took him longer to put all the gifts there than it did for the kids to unwrap them! No such thing as taking turns when you’ve got ages 1.5, 2.5, 3.5, 5, and soon to be 7!! Auntie Mervie made nana this cool bracelet with black and white pix of each of the grandkids. Well, there were 6 frames. Uh-oh. We are hoping that clump of cells in that ultrasound image is XX and not a fourth XY!! So a very Merry Christmas was had by all!!!

So I’m going to flash back for a moment – last December I was still in the hospital. Nicle and Dave came to see us and we all went to the museum together. They moved from Seattle to Minneapolis and are doing well. Bill and Rachel from Seabrook, Tx came with their kids to see us and bring the proceeds from the generous auction/party that Susan and Kevin held for me. Christmas was lovely. I got to spend it with Jani and the kids and my parents. Todd and Megan not only loaned us their house, they put up a tree and loaned Jani a car to get me there and back. I had a “day pass” from Shepherd. I remember the kids running around, my mom in the mitchen, and Jani outside manning the BBQ. I remember Encsi trying to climb up next to me to get on the couch and when she couldn’t and I wasn’t strong enough to help, Rowan hopped off and gave her a boost. I read the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” to them. The gifts we received from so many people. Thank you again. I may not be able to adequately express my gratitude but I will certainly always remember.  Many of the nurses in the hospital commented on how many visitors, packages, and mail I got. They said there were people there that had none of that. Some families can’t afford the time or money to leave their lives to visit a loved one in rehab. I will never forget all of you and I will never stop being thankful for each of you. Even those I have not yet had the chance to talk to. There are friends of mine from Ionia high school like Cathy O’Malley, Cindy Bollinger (now Munchy), and Rob Banhagel that I have been in touch with through e-mail or phone messages but not actually connected to – yet! Please don’t give up on me!! Rob, if you see this please call me again! I lost your number!!  One thing I need everyone to understand is that things take me longer. I am busy with my family and work but what is really limiting is that since I need my hands to move, even though I carry my cell phone with me everywhere, I can’t walk and talk like I used to. I do text people often because I can do that in an elevator since it is short and quick. E-mail too since Jess gave me her old Dell Axim PDA that goes everywhere with me too.

I’m not even going to say it was too short because that is given and when you think about life, the good times ALWAYS go too fast.  I’m just glad there are good times.  Things could be so much worse. I certainly have my moments. There is so much I need and want to do. Even though this is very difficult and some may wonder about my quality of life, if you lived a day in my shoes, there would be no reason wonder. Rowan just got home from schol and Jani took him ice skating. I remember Christmas of 2006 being up on the island and getting skates for Rowan and Kaden for Christmas and going to Kingston to sakte in the town square. Hope and Jay were there with Jed and Aiden and then Hope came to the Toucan to hang with us a bit.  So yes this really  hurts because I can’t take Rowan skating anymore. But I will watch him, encourage him, and expose him to as many of these fun things as possible and watch him take ownership of whatever he enjoys. Encsi too. They are such wonderful little monsters and I am glad to be their mom and I will be the best I can.

Work stuff: I resubmitted a manuscript to AJP-Heart&Circ in early Dec and got it back a few weeks later.  They didn’t accept or reject it. They want me to respond to comments and they will send it back to the reviewers. So we’ll see.  Also, I submitted a grant to NIH today and so that is a huge load off. Bob helped tremendously with that and he and Jian are co-PIs on it. Now we have to wait until July for the review. Time will fly between now and then though. Here is a snapshot of what 2009 has in store : Jess is in the process of writing a pre-doc fellowship proposal to submit to AHA at the end of the month; Kaden will be 7 on Feb 6th; the McDevitt’s are coming Feb 11-15th; Hans is coming at the end of March; I get to teach endocrine and reproductive to the med students (3 weeks total in Mar-Apr); Jani is turning 40 on May 25th and so hopefully he’ll celebrate with his family in Hungary; Kellan will be 2 on May 4th, Rowan will be done his first year of school June 9th; Khaled and Mervie will be celebrating 10 years together  on June 23rd which is also Kyan’s 4th birthday; Encsi will be 3 July 24th; Mervie is due in early August , then Rowan will start 1st grade in late August….and so goes the cycle of life!!!

So this is all I have time for right now. My resolution for the new year is to make more peace with myself on this and be positive for those that love and support me. Thank you for being one of those reasons for why I am here and want to be strong.