One year.

I know that many of you remember this better than I do. I know that you recall the feelings you had for many days that I have no memory of.  I have not seen my bike (a few pictures and even those made me cry) but today, to commemorate the event, Jani went to get it from Teresa and Dave’s garage. There were many thoughts on what to do with it:

-          to put it on the bridge at the accident site for the day

-          bury at least part of it in the backyard and plant flowers on it

-          send this poor Bear Valley Marin with Shimano parts and knobby tires to the metal yard

None of these happened. When I saw it all I could do was stare. It looked worse than the pictures. I cried a fair bit. Rowan told me not to be sad because he would buy me another one – an orange one! – with his piggy bank savings! Encsi patted me and said “awww mommy no crying”.  Jani didn’t want me to torture myself by dwelling on the past but rather concentrate on the future. But I needed to reflect today. I remember buying the yellow star hand grips. I remember Stefi bringing orange reflectors for the spokes from Germany (only the one on the front tire remains). Even though the yellow backpack had a big tear and was quite tattered and so I got rid of it, I still have the Deuter rainproof sheath she and Hans brought from Germany for me as well. Jani bought me a bell and a bigger softer seat when I got pregnant with Rowan because I rode until I was about 4 months pregnant and I couldn’t comfortably reach the handle bars anymore!  Anyway, we decided to keep it as it is for a while. Maybe it will come in handy for awareness education. Such a big part of my life I just can’t part with it. While this is an extremely emotionally taxing day for me (and the days leading up to this have admittedly been tough too), I have to balance it out by thinking of other things  – my unbelievable husband and precious children, my stupendous brother and parents, exceptional extended family members, fabulous old and new friends…all of you and your thoughts, love, and generosity that really have brought me to where I am. I could not have done it without you and I continue to progress because of you. Mon raison d’être! I can say thanks in a few languages, use lots of emphatic adjectives to drive home my sincerity, and wish away all the anguish you all have suffered along with me with every ounce of my being but none seem sufficient to express what I feel in my heart. Much love to all of you!! So while you are joining me in feeling sad for my loss today, please also join me in feeling happiness for what I have because I will continue to live heartily!

I have tons of other stuff to catch you up on but today is just not that kind of day.